Monday.

So today is one of those days. I can feel the waves coming towards me.
This weekend an event happened in my family that stirred up all sorts of pain within me.
A deep Rage wants to emerge.
It wants to take out my frustration on my husband
and check out and mindlessly go through my social media pages to medicate.

I want to stay alive in the midst of this. Enter the pain and allow myself to grieve for my family and grieve the pain that is still fresh in my own heart.

But that feels really hard right now.

I've heard it phrased as entering it as much as I am able and then putting it on the shelf when I need to.
So maybe there will be a little Parks and Rec binge ahead of me.

But honestly. I just want to cry want now. And I feel the tears starting to flow.
I'm not fully sure what they are about, but I know it has something to do with the event that happened this weekend and the memories that stirs for me.

Jesus. I don't know what this looks like right now. But I'm grateful for a heart that is softening and able to let tears flow. I wish I was bigger. Big enough to have more compassion than I feel capable of and big enough to grieve my own pain. I wish my heart more fully believed that even though I don't feel big enough right now that I am still loved and accepted just as much, but it doesn't.
I feel pissed at you and grateful for you at the same time. Man. Would you intervene in ways my heart doesn't feel like your big enough too?