I have honestly spent more time today trying to figure out if I want a Beco Baby Carrier or a Boba Baby Carrier today then just being.
Thats okay.
I know it comes from the passion inside me that sits, twisted, but freaking beautiful. Honestly, I don't really know what you will be like. My mind can't quite grip the idea of you, a real human creation that sits in my belly, a skin, and uterus layer, away from the outside world.
What will it be like to be a mommy to this new nugget and be the mommy to my other precious child?
I don't know. But I do feel pretty certain that once I have a baby carrier heaven will have arrived on earth.
What will it be like to finish school and move towards my dreams. But, what would it look like to be, here, present and engaged with what is right in front of me. With my sweet girl laying on the concrete pointing with her finger at the ants crawling and with my sweet girl while she is having a tantrum and hitting me as I tell her she can not stand in the shopping cart at Target. What would it look like to be there, in those moments?
I think it looks like exactly what I am doing now, baby carrier contemplating and all. Because I am certain that our Father is looking down at me sort of smiling. No disappointment, just saying,
"Yeah girl!" And beckoning me and enticing me towards sweet love.
There is no shame.
I want to sit behind my self-protective pretenses, in whatever form they take shape.
Today a baby carrier tomorrow, maybe the baby monitors I still need? ha.
But honestly, I can tell you I am nervous. I don't know what mothering two will look like and I want to do it perfectly.
Because the alternative would be depending on God and part of my soul is desperate for anything but creating my own salvation.
Oh, Jesus. I know I am not crazy. I also am not as shaken by these illegal things as I once was. There is hope, there, but also just deeper and new layers that I uncover that this side of heaven are not going to subside. Would you soften those layers that want to harden and stay on. Would you expose those and give me wisdom on how to and when to speak?Here I sit.
