Red dot.

Larry Crab calls it your red dot.
 I guess you can say I'm still into him. I trust my father-in-law.
Who I know trusts Larry.
Which makes me feel like he's a safe guy to unpack christianity and the internal and spiritual world. And I happen to find that as my heart catches up to my head, the stuff he unpacks about these realities, really is the stuff Jesus talks about.

So, that red dot. Its what you see going on internally, presently, NOW.
Maybe it happens to be descriptors and information about the stuff going on, but he beckons a deeper look at what is beneath that.
I still like descriptors. Processing brings me to that Red Dot. So here are my attached strings, my spiral, my junk that will maybe bring me there.

I'm snuggled into Rand's comfortable sweats and a sweatshirt because I feel really uncomfortable. I feel like I wear them in part because yes, they still are comfortable and I'm cold, but also to mask the internal realities that I am feeling.

Part of me feels not valuable in this comfort because I feel insecure about how my appearance. It feels like there is a club of the "cute pregnant lady" that I shift in and out of wanting to be a part of and that jostle's that insecurity. I feel like I am looked upon more highly when I strap on my competition mask, which often takes on the form of (sometimes) incredibly uncomfortable, tight fitting clothing that boasts my bump, but suffocates my already limited breathing space.

Another seems to be shame.
I feel like I should be more active and I am ashamed that I am not. Talk about intermixed passions. I happen to love exercise. Since about 25 weeks pregnancy has been incredibly difficult for me and I feel worn down.

But I feel like that is just an excuse and thats where the harshness seems to jump out.
I get that it's not all or nothing. Work out everyday or don't ever, but the gray is difficult for me to navigate admist the rollercoaster of transitions I feel between parenting a 1.5 year old and the babe in my belly. It leaves me worn down and not ready to enter the junk that surfaces when I excercise.
I guess I'm just not a big enough person right now.

That spirals me into another.
My head goes to. Well if your not a big enough person to exercise right now, how the hell are you going to be able to delivery a baby naturally.
I've got no armor against that one and it is likely 3/4 of what prompted me doing Yoga this morning.
And to try and find the perfect words for my birth plan.
And to try and suck Rand into it all.

Which is half of what brought me into a low and meltdown yesterday evening.
Don't get me wrong, 10 hours with your 1.5 year old is never all rainbows and butterflies.
Nor is not getting an opportunity to connect with you husband at the start of your week or sort through conflict.
But it felt like there was more beneath that. That those things were just the lava coming out of the real volcano.
In that moment I desperately needed my cocaine, people, because I did not feel okay. Nor did I want to give myself room to cry, I wanted to fight, victimize myself and pull someone else into my misery.
Part of me felt shame over this because my head even knew what I was doing.
All the harsh words sat on the tip of my tongue, a few escaping before I was able to give myself space.
Ironically, space for me typically looks like the back corner of my bedroom closet, where it is dark and I feel safe, so there I went.

I let the pain out, releasing it, as my heart so desperately needed. The wound of feeling rejecting over the past few days flowing out with the tears.

So I think thats where my red dot was at. I felt rejection and it hurt, lots.

Ironically, I felt able to rejoin my family in the basement. Sitting in silence initially and then playing with them and a zillion little plastic balls when I felt able. I feel like my heart got to feel the release there.

Its funny. I started writing this Wednesday. As I finish it I'm reminded of the roller coaster that my heart can sometime feel it is on.
Little Ellie got a mosquito bite on her eye lid that swelled up like a baseball bat. She doesn't react too well to bites just like her momma. I'm just beginning to digest and catch up to where my heart, and red dot, has been there.

So cheers to blog writing, my fall candle, jug of water, fresh grapes, digesting handful of fall colored m&m's and to finding a warm soup recipe on pinterest.

Happy Friday.