Well. I have noticed my heart feeling adrift these past two days. It grates at me that I don't know where its coming from, that I am human and that doing the best I can doesn't come close to my standards.
I want to process where I feel like the harshness is coming from.
As I speak my child is crying because she doesn't want to nap. I should know how to calm her down, the voice says. It judges my parenting ability and I am left feeling insecure or wanting to perform as a mother.
Yesterday, I enjoyed a delightful binge watching my new favorite Netflix show, Orange is the New Black and escaping in the conclusion of the bachelorette. What a waste of time, the voice says. It whispers accusatory claims like "your lazy" and "you shouldn't have enjoyed yourself so much".
Yesterday, I also enjoyed a splendid amount of my favorite licorice from trader joes. Yummy, my tummy says. Your gaining wait to rapidly this pregnancy, the voice says. It taunts me saying that "if you keep this up, your going to get even bigger then you need to".
Sunday I enjoyed flipping through some family photos that were recently taken. What I longed to be precious memories felt overtaken and insecurity flared. Why are you so uptight, it's written all over your face the voice said. It fanned the flame of justification of why I deserve to buy new things so I can hide beneath the insecurity I can feel over my appearance.
So here I sit today. I have found myself fleeing to the comfort of errands, performing for Ellie, and busying myself with cooking muffins. I haven't allowed myself to watch a blink of Orange is the New Black and have promised myself that I will go to the gym.
The thoughts seem so oddly familiar and I know this cycle well. I need grace and gentleness today, Jesus.
I wish I was bigger, but today I am not. So here I will sit. Here I will wait.
