My Current Threshold.

This week I learned something that struck my heart and I find myself sitting in while I cry and type these words.

Right now the threshold between me feeling valued as a person and triggers feels incredibly close. Underneath the triggers rests the layers of pain where I have felt that I am not valuable as a person. Those triggers still feel like mountains to me, which I know in my head tells me there is much to be grieved yet still. The line is quite thin and it feels like this past month has seemed to jostle it with little rest in-between the waves.

I finally had the courage to start reapplying for jobs. This is a big step for me because I don't have it figured out what it will look like if I was to start working again. Who would watch Ellie? Would I be able to handle the stress? What about baby #2? What about breastfeeding? What if there isn't even anything that interest's me? What if there is something that interests me and what I have to offer isn't enough? What if... Those have been past paralyzing thoughts.

 I have my passions and my heart to offer and often, those don't feel like they are enough.

So just applying for jobs was a huge victory for me. Yesterday, I received word that I did not get an interview at either of those jobs. That was hard for me because both of those jobs were the only ones in the area that I felt interested in.

 I gave myself permission to feel sad a little bit, but I notice that I suppressed some of how that made me feel. I know that my value doesn't come from whether I get an interview or not. But it still made me feel sad. I want to let it be sad, but I feel scared of what that means. It is all still quite puzzleing for me.


Today, I got a shot at learning about another open position that seems like it could be fitting, but also terrifies me. As I navigate and process it has triggered that paper thin threshold. Leaving my heart feeling the incredibly weight of feeling insignificant and not valued.

As I process the whys of this and try to navigate the pain it troubles me what it leaves me with--shame. Shame over how the choices that I have made have brought this upon myself. The truth feels so distant and that too makes me sad.

So here I sit. Left in the sadness. With little left other then to cry out to the one who longs to listen. What does it look like right now as a mother, wife, and just me, Jessica, to feel valued amidst this pain.  I hold fast to the truth that He will listen and be with me as I navigate this tender threshold of my personal value as a being.