Prickly porcupine.

I've been reflecting a bit lately. Today, as I was sweeping the patio, it struck me how at peace I felt. My day had no agenda outside of a doctor appointment and I was completely okay with that.

NO. Even past okay. I was enjoying it. Seriously.

I was savoring watching Ellie play with her stroller.
Struck by the beautiful weather.
And was even dreaming about what I was going to bake next.
This was after a content time of putting away dishes even...

Over lunch I began to put words to this peace with Rand and I wanted to, again, process through where I feel I am.

It began when I started counseling.
At first it had just been our premarital counseling.
Then, after Rand's dad had mentioned he thinks that it is helpful for couples to have "routine maintenance" done, it continued.
Then, Rand's dad mentioned to me this group he has all his employees go through on codependency and I thought, eh, why not? I laugh now because honestly it could have been a cult and I would've trusted him and gone. I had no idea what codependent meant, really.
Then I started to go to my own individual sessions once a month.

Something awakened in my heart. My soul, really.
And HOLY HELL, did the beast get unleashed, which I now commonly refer to as the F*** you woman.
That woman was so incredibly angry. It was like an explosion, really. I had botteled up all of my emotions for so long, not really allowing myself to truly feel the emotions life brings us through like anger, saddness, and even happyness. I had been spinning in the same circle for so long. It had to come out, really. But it had been bottled up for so long that it was like a tea kettle that had been simmering and simmering and then finally let to steam out. That loud ass whistle that you hear when that water is done seems octives quieter than how my soul felt.

So there I was, this angry, bitter woman. For the wrong that had been to me and that I had done to myself. I sure as hell wasn't going to let that happen to me again.

Up the walls came. With spikes on the end and grenades waiting past those. I was not going to be hurt again.
I was so incredibly defensive. On edge, still am at times, honestly. I wouldn't let most people in. There was an incredibly small VIP list and more often then not those people didn't even make the cut.
But a small few stuck around, including my husband, and especially my counselor, Marna.
I was laughing, near tears, about this one on monday night. I was the biggest damn porcupine in the whole country and I had no idea why I felt so alone. Most people don't like to be around porcupines, their thorns hurt. I'm grateful for the few that stuck by me in that mess. There love for me brings me tears, as I type now.
They didn't punish me.
They didn't play games with me.
They let me be and still tried to love me the best they could in that.

My soul learned the love Jesus talks about in that time. Like it tasted it.

I've hurt many in that part of my journey.
The accuser, so quick to judge, so stark and harsh to myself and others.
My husband.
My parents.
My sisters.
My in-laws.
My friends.

I feel sadness and sorrow for that, tears are filling my eyes now.
But I know that that part of my journey is what gave me a taste of true life.

For so long the mountains and valleys have felt so high and so low and so on top of each other.
But I notice, they aren't as high and low, faster to work through, and more few and far between.

I'm still an attict. An approval seeker. A perfectionist.
But I'm in withdrawl.
Often, I want to give in to my version of cocaine.
That voice that tells me I have to get my finances figured out before I can go to Target.
That I need approval from my husband to buy clothes that fit my growing body.
That voice that says what a true friend should look like to numb out the silence that sits.

But. Eh. Maybe fixing all that isn't even really the point?