Suffering.

I think I mentioned in my other blog that I am reading "Moving Through Your Problems Towards Finding God" by Larry Crab. If not. Well, I am.

The chapter I am on is discussing Supernatural Passion, Chapter 4. He discusses various aspects of this, but one dimension of his thoughts on suffering being inevitable struck me. On page 61 He writes:

"A final important truth is that suffering is inevitable. Proud people want an explanation of whatever goes wrong. If we discover that our fear of intimacy is a result of childhood abuse, then our lives seem more under control. Now we have something to work on to make things better. By thinking hard about the human condition and coming up with theories about what is going on, we destroy mystery, and we maintain the illusion that, with enough insight and effort, we can take care of ourselves and our suffering will end."

My first thought was. Damn. That was pretty juicy.

My second thought was, proud people. I don't want to be proud. Let me reread that.

My third thought was. Man, I don't know if I like that.

My fourth thought was. I don't want to take as truth, yet, but I know this guy is pretty wise. What do I think about it? Do I agree with it? Do I not? Why do I or don't I?

So here are my thoughts after 4.

First, I hate the red little lines that remind you when you have misspelled something. It's like thanks for the bold reminder, but I didn't ask for your feedback. Then I think, yeah, good thing they are there, otherwise this could be pretty difficult to read.

Suffering is inevitable makes me angry. My head knows that anger is a secondary emotion, so it invites me to dig a little deeper. What else does it make me feel?

Words that spew out are:
Unjust
Hopeless
Sad.
Out of control.

I feel like his description smacks me like those youtube videos of the karate people who are trying to chop through a piece of wood and fail. OUCH.

It feels like it is where I am at right now. See, I'm coming out of a place of pretty significant anger. Pain that I had never known how to enter or grieve. Deep sadness, beneath a deep rage. That cycle has been pretty long. I would call it the "F-U" Jessica. But really, I dropped the F*** bomb more times than I can count. I'm just sort of coming out of it, disheveled, but breathing and even hopeful. Who knew.

The next phase I have been on and still am in, a bit, is blame and resentment. Which is where I feel like this paragraph meets and strikes me at.
An exploration and explanation of the wrongs that have been done to me. In my family of origin, by the 3rd grade girl, Jade, that made me feel like an outcast when I was 8, my husband, my teachers, my friends.

Well, if I can just figure out these wrongs, then maybe I will be onto something. I feel it's activity present in the day to day. It fuels some of my activities. If I just spend some time working on this, reading this blog, book, or tidbit or getting in an extra counseling session.

"Now I have something to work on, to make better" and maybe at the end of that I will feel better.
Life will be better.
Money won't be so tight
I will have certainty about who will watch Ellie and the new babe when I do my internship.

"By thinking hard about the human condition and coming up with theories about what is going on... with enough insight and effort, we can take care of ourselves and our suffering will end."

Karate kid analogy again. BOOM. it hits me. 

I have a quest for knowledge. I enjoy learning, engaging, and thinking and I think that is beautiful.

However,

I do feel like sometimes my motivations can take quick and spiraling twists.

The thing is, I was created for heaven, so it would make sense that I would try and figure this thing out to relieve my soul of the pain it wasn't designed to face independent of the Creator. 

BUT

It also fuels both my pride and rebellion from God, keeping me from coming to him with my suffering. From really getting to see that He is the point. Not in the cliche way either, that sends triggoring tremmors down my spine. 

MAYBE

Finding God is more important than present relief. 

(tell that to me at 2 am after I have this next kid & I may kill you)

What if "Future hope is more valuable then present relief"

9 months ago I may have vomited if you told me that because of how phrases like that have been used to silence my soul. When I was not in a place where I wanted that advice and it was still given, super deep wounds.

I'm grateful, however, that I can separate that pain because

MAN

There is some real truth in that.

Truth that I am tasting as I choose to get out of bed to soothe my crying daughter when I am pretty tired or as I choose to not spiral into believing that the reason my husband didn't fall asleep in bed next to me is not because I am not important. 

If that statement is true. 

IF

"Future hope is more valuable then present relief" as Crabb talks about,

I feel like it changes something in my soul.

My mind is often preoccupied with trying to alleviate suffering in some way. 

What would it look like if my life valued hope more then relief? 

I think it would taste with the same sweetness as this couple's choice of marriage in the midst of a traumatic brain injury.
http://www.faithit.com/people-stunned-chose-marry-him-they-said-never-work-3-years-later-couldnt-be-better-ian-larissa/

I really feel like I want a deeper taste of You Jesus, but it is freaking scary to think that that will likely come at a deeper suffering and pain than I know now or feel capable of entering. But I trust you. And I want you. And I'm scared.