Peace. 1-6-15

I'm still terrified to be myself. I don't know fully who I am. A harsh women can emerge within me who wants to dictate who I am. That wants to live under a hard shell of perfectionism. Guided by the countless images I see, read, hear about, or self- create that provide of certainty beneath their mask and armored wall.  This offers protection from facing this insecurity of not feeling valuable, but their is a cost. Not allowing myself to face that tension ignores reality and denies my soul the freedom my Creator made for me. Sometimes I get tastes of myself, but I feel so intertwined to my autonomy from God sometimes. I long for heaven in many ways when I am truly rid of those chains. Sometimes I can feel the shackles fall off and other times I find myself watching myself put them back on.  Sometimes when I feel like I can't see past that harsh woman, I will think about what I would want for Ellie. When the perfectionist emmerges and I find myself drowning, in her demands, I can start to taste air by thinking about how and what I would want for Ellie and then slowly intertwining that to myself. I am beginning to learn the rhythm of grace. To taste the freedom my savior brings. Maybe that's the whole idea of an Angel who loves beer.

I feel inspired by the tastes of humanity that I get that are in touch with who they are and freedom from things like legalism and perfectionism that lead them away from the Savior.  Scripture has taken a new depth. Writings of Larry Crab, Glennon Manning. Learning from people like Marna, Stephen, my Husband, Ellie, and Reid. I feel curious by the humans I am surrounded by.

Simple things are taking a new depth. I nearly started crying in my yoga class this evening because I was struck by how amazing it was to be able to get to be in touch with how it felt to stretch out or feel my shoulder blades resting beneath me-- to get to be fully engaged with the moment. My heart was resting with my savior.

Who am I?

I really love and feel proud of my family.
I like the voice and the bachelor.
Crocs. I really like crocs.
I enjoy new things.
I like workout clothes.
I like cars. Like I really enjoy getting to name them.
MacIntosh apples. My all-time favorite snack.
I enjoy good food.
I like accesories.
I enjoy rich and deep conversation.
I enjoy being with people, even if it is not talking.
I like to learn.
I like organization.
I like to bake and cook.
Walking.
Being active.
Candles. I love the smell and the flicker.
Decorating.
Clutter free kitchen tables.

To be is to listen to myself and know the song of my heart. For from the heart the mouth speaks. For the heart is the wellspring of life.

Peace is what my heart longs for and I feel like I am getting to watch it's presence slip into my life. I am starting to be able to be spontaneous. I am starting to get to actually listen to people and be curious. I am starting to get to to be still, in the Jessica way. Which, in tangible form, can look like the opposite of physical stillness, but like my soul. My soul is actually getting to be still and find rest.